For 15 years I have lived with this condition, this illness, this disease called Fibromyalgia, that has no true tests to find it and yet the only thing to find it is trigger points in the body. Not even blood tests, MRI’s’, cat-scans and all the technology in the world can’t see it in a person except when they complain about excessive pain in regions of the body. The intense burning, sharp pain that just is the gift that keeps on giving.
Back in 99 when I was in the military I started to have problems in my body I could not explain. First it started in back, then it slowly traveled to parts of my body and yet couldn’t figure what it was. At that time this condition was not believed in by doctors, some consider it as a “junk diagnosis.” Through that time I was always in the ER because my doctors told me it was all in my head and prescribed me with anti-depressants that did little to ease this deep pain. I struggled a lot in the first 8 yrs before actual diagnosis. Constantly in the ER asking for relief, relief that resorting to pain killers. Even to this day I have to be on pain killers to actually function period in my life. I cannot even work anymore due to this problem I have. I live with pain every single moment and yet no one in my family has it. It has caused me to lose my three younger kids, my parental rights because back in 09 my condition was so out of control that CPS was called in and they knew that it hindered me as a mother, a parent from doing my duty. It has caused me to be this invisible disabled veteran, not able to work or be happy truly or even do things I once was able to do. Today I have Fibromyalgia, an arthritic spine, bad knees, bad shoulder ( left ) and insomnia.
I struggle to get out of my bed. I struggle to function properly. Yet the VA tells me I am able to work, but has not since 06. No employer is going to employ someone like me that needs to lie down, that can’t lift too much, sit too much, walk only so far and can’t stand for too long. I am fighting my hardest to get disability because I am not able to work period. I only live on 630.00 per month. I can’t live on my own because I am not able to afford rent properly or take care of my son that is my oldest that lives with me. I have to depend upon others to help me when I am sooo used to doing it for myself. I am on the pain killer – morphine because everything else does nothing for me to function. I really have no option at all to escape pain killers as I would like to have. I do not want to be on pills forever. I am so tired of them as I know the addiction rates, side effects and damage it can do to me, but what can I do? Nothing but take them so I can actually get out of bed.
People do not understand that there’s people like me that struggles everyday and has this invisible disease that can debilitate and cripple in the long run. At times I do have to walk with a cane when my knees are bad. Sometimes I can do little of something and my sciatic nerve goes out of service to the point I am not able to put on my pants or shoes with the aid of someone. It really does a number on me mentally. It even causes me to think of suicide but I do not wish to do so as my kids are the only thing that keeps me going day by day. You see so many point fingers and say, ” Oh you are not disabled.”, when they do not see me at home or see me on a daily basis. I get told, ” You are too young to have these problems.” Pain or disease does not discriminate against an age group or gender. At times I feel so worthless as a mother and parent because I am not able to do what I like really without worrying if I am going to hurt today or the next day. At times I feel useless when the pain gets bad and I am having to worry about whether I can get something for my kids for their birthdays or holidays.
The rating for physical disabilities are lower than mental disabilities that are like 10% here or 20% there but they give almost 100% disability to someone who has a mental problem but when it comes to someone like me I get nothing and told the same run around. This is the rating type for the VA system. Many disabled veterans like me have to fight tooth and nail to get anywhere with the VA especially backlogs on people waiting for compensation for disability. I really feel the rating system is so off and not properly given to those that need it to survive because work is hard for those living with chronic pain. I have been to many clinics and been on all sorts of medications. Believe me it sucks at times. I even hear there is a possible cure but if they had it, then cure me, please cure me of this pain I keep dealing with. I read in some article or watch YouTube that there is a way, but if they had a cure then I wouldn’t be in such a struggle as I am in now.