Hello. I am Melissa. An independent, thirty year old mother of two. When I was 16, I had my first kidney stone. Convienently, my first surgery to have one removed. For 14yrs, I have increasingly been spending my time in Emergency rooms all for the same answer, ‘yup, you have kidney stones.’ Finally in February last year, I demanded my PCP to send me to someone that could lessen my stones as they had become constant and far more debilitating than the pain I had always learned to work around. So to the urologist I went. Longing for an answer and an escape from the recluse my pain had created. I was only disappointed when he told me the pain couldn’t be from just my stones, and there were other symptoms that were alarming and requiring of a Nephrologist. Dr. Liu is amazing. Had she not been as dedicated as she were, or studied where she did, I would still be just as answer less. A kidney biopsy and an argument between her and my PCP, I am now in a pain clinic. My second visit will be next month. The first thing he said to me was that my biggest problem will be in finding a doctor who can give me the answers I need. So now, I have an answer. My kidneys are 50% dead with a very thin membrane, and I have Loin-Pain Hematuria Syndrome.
I am a very positive person. I have had horrible things happen in my life, family that isn’t blood, but I have always had this spark inside me that knew everything would be okay if I just made the best if it and pushed forward. I think the plug has fallen out to the jar of that sparks fuel.
In the last year, I have lost my job, school has forced a medical leave of absence for three semesters, and my normal working out, working, going to school, taking care of the household life does her best on a great day to vacuum the floor without puking.
It was hard to accept that the girl who wanted to live to be a hundred, had to do her best to make it just ten more years. But I did it. I spent four days crying and feeling sorry for myself and all the things I would never do and decided I’d had enough. That wasn’t me.
Now I am stuck trying my hardest to find a way to get back to my ‘normal’ way if life as much as possible.
Is it wrong to just want to live as normally as possible until you die?
How can I find a way to live with this pain when every doctor you see’s first sentence is ‘I’m sorry it took so long for me to get in here, I had to research your disease because I’ve never heard of it before’ ?
I’ve done my best to deal with this pain as best I could for as long as I could. And now that I need help so that I can work and provide for my family, cook and clean for them, hell even make love to my spouse, I feel more lost and alone than I ever have.
Just me and my pain.
Fighting each other’s Will,
Both still standing in the same spot.