Fix Me!

I have been tormented with lumbar spinal problems for over 10 years now. When it first happened, I had no idea that hell could reach a new level. I was told by the first treating family doctor after an MRI revealed a bulging L4 lumbar disc that this was “normal”. Oh my God, then I suspected that I was crazy which was reinforced by the ‘medical professionals’ uncaring for me at the time. I altered my activities and gave up on answers. I tried physical therapy and discovered a special loathing for TENs. I consumed pills and suffered projectile emesis. I got thoroughly disgusted and decided to handle things on my own. I became so good at managing my pain without external help that I was assumed to be cured. Truth is, I just felt that getting help was pointless, so I suffered alone. I gave up my horse, my home, my garden, my remodeling activities. It just hurt way to much to do these things. I self medicated intensely with alcohol for several years-which was extremely bad for my body and mind. The negative effects eclipsed the short term oblivion, so I abandoned that sort of self treatment. I blessedly experienced times of almost non existent pain for several years, and became hopeful.

I tried to resume the things that I loved over these years. Then pain returned and began to morph into more awful pain when I was attending college to hopefully re train for a different sort of employment. I was horrified when I lost the ability to sit for any but brief periods of time. This began in 2011. I forced myself to continue with classes until spring of 2012. I still entertained the idea that I was simply crazy to be feeling what I was feeling. I contemplated suicide. My world crashed. And then, I got really really pissed off. I am still pissed off. Deadly pissed off. I now have sciatica that extends to both of my feet, and although I can walk, it becomes increasingly painful the more I persevere. I recently resigned from a job that I loved, after losing the battle with this morphing and increasing pain. I am clinging to another part time job that I can tolerate. I have a certain autonomy in my duties, and I can limp slowly as needed. Thank God my job does not involve sitting-which I absolutely can’t do for much longer than the length of time required for bowel elimination! That in its self is a tricky proposition. My legs tend to tingle and go numb if I linger. I have been blown off repeatedly by two different medical practices. Finally, I demanded a referral and will soon be going to a pain management clinic. This isn’t what I want at all. The symptoms that I endure suggest that I have a possibly severe disc herniation in my lumbar spine and now since I have pain in my cervical spine that shoots horridly into my arms at inopportune moments as well-most likely a cervical disc herniation. I have done years of research into the anatomy and physiology of the body in my quest for understanding and healing. I will be extremely surprised if I am proven incorrect. I hope fervently that the new doctors I see order some MRIs.

If I am proven correct, I intend to rain fire and brimstone on the doctors that did nothing for me but negate my symptoms. I don’t want to manage this with poisons, I want to be CURED. I know many people that have had surgeries for their ruptured discs and these people are now living happily and pain free. I don’t want nasty poisonous epidurals, There is the rare chance of developing arachnoiditis after these procedures, and I don’t want to descend into the 10th circle of hell. I don’t want quack remedies. I have already tried them all and am certified now to practice my own form of quackery. I did find some herbs that actually do speed up the healing of certain types of infections based on subjective trials. Can one cure a broken leg through exercise? Can one heal torn knee cartilage through exercise? No, of course not! Likewise, injured structures within the spine will not be healed through physical therapy. Been there, done that. The science is unsupportive in my case. Recall that old adage “Misery loves company”. If I find that I have structures damaged beyond repair due to delay in adequate diagnosis, I intend to do my utmost to make the “medical professionals” that refused to do that which was right suffer as much as I am suffering if at all possible.

I do what I can do, because therein may lie the antidote to madness. I started my own little business so that I might have absolute flexibility with my physical limitations. Most of the time, this has worked. Lately I find myself unable to devote the attention to this venture that I would find satisfactory. I study microbiology and have been slowly accruing the equipment for my own in house laboratory. Since my back deteriorated further, these endeavors have slowed to speed less than that of a garden slug’s progress on dry ground. I am extremely pissed off. This is a very brief account of why. I have one extremely valuable thing: The ability to think. I do believe the torment is clouding how I use my mind. I like it not at all. Some people cry when they suffer and some become berserkers. Some seek solace and others retribution. Some find a measure of grace and endure while others determine to drag more souls into their torment. I would rather not be the berserker, but alas, animals tend to bite when injured to the point of madness. My daughter sought to comfort a lizard the cat had mangled and it firmly did just that. It latched onto her finger with the last determination left in this life. I understood the poor creature completely.

One thought on “Fix Me!”

  1. I hear you. Some days I wake up and I wonder if yesterday was all in my head. But then the fog kicks in and I can’t remember what I was doing. It seems like I am doing the bare minimum just to get by. I just want to feel better. I think we all want to work hard and Live. Some days are better than others and I hold on to those days with an iron fist. When will this end? Will it ever? I am now fully understanding of the people who choose to self euthanize in Oregon. No one wants to be a burden. We don’t want to live off the system. We want our lives back. I want my energy back. My heart breaks but I don’t want the pity party. I want to feel better and someday have children and be some sort of normal. Stress makes it worse. Lack of sleep makes it worse. I want to be comfortable whether I’m standing or sitting. Somedays are better thAn others and for now it’s all I have. I hope we can get through this. At27 years old and having a successful career I will be looking into partial disability this month. I am so ashamed but I am trying to work on my expectations of myself and I cannot work full time And cook and clean and take care of a man. Im not happy. I just want the balance back. I am coming to terms with the fact that I may never have a family of my own, it would be selfish of me to do so. we are a large group of people and we need the help and resources that doctors just cannot give us. I feel ill be in a nursing home by the time I’m 30 and it’s not right. What are our rights? What can we do?

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